For the past few months now I’ve lost sense of myself. Who I am, what I do, why I wake up, what I want to eat. All I find myself doing everyday is scrolling Twitter for fandom news and reading fanfics. And sleep. God so much sleep. In the afternoon, right after eating. After a video. After an old fic. But not at night. At night I still lie awake for long stretches of hours, sleeping in the wee hours of morning and waking up past time for waking. All my days have blurred one into the next until I don’t know what time is. Or what day or time it is. And truthfully, I don’t even care.
These past few weeks more than ever I’ve been feeling numb. Feeling-less. Emotionless. Soulless. Just going through the motions of each day. Of waking and sleeping. And waking and eating. And reading and sleeping. And waking and sleeping. I’ve cut off all contact, removed myself from the world. Or trying my damndest to ignore every single being outside home. In the internet. Outside my room. Every Whatsapp notif becomes a trigger for fear, for anxiety, an unwanted reminder of a life I no longer wish to live in. Of feelings that I do not wish to feel. More than ever I want to run away to somewhere I can breathe deeply without thinking.
These past few days I’ve found some old thoughts recurring in my day dreams. What does it feel like to live? Or not live? To speak? To breathe, freely? How can I remove myself entirely? What would it be like to get rid of me? I’m so tired of thinking, of feeling, of hating myself, of hating me. I hate everything. And right now I’m everything I hate. Useless, skill-less, talent-less, unwanted being. So what am I still living for?
There’s nowhere to go. Nowhere to live. Nowhere to breathe.
Lethargy’s sinking in. Deep.
I’m itching to be free.
Candlelies 